Not Quite Right

NOTE: To protect the identity and confidentially of everyone involved with the exception of Aunt Zoe all names, and when possible locations have been changed.

By the time I reached junior high mom had let herself go. She had reached about 400 pounds and anything physical was too much for her. She tried to cover up her weight with big clothes. One of many things I learned in my experience with weight loss years later is that wearing bigger clothes makes you look fatter than you are. She loathed doing anything that didn’t involve sitting on the couch. When it was possible before I started driving she would send me to the store on my bike to pick up smaller things. Obviously I was limited as to what I could carry on my bike, however more stuff fits in a backpack than you might realize.

We always had to go grocery shopping together. She never wanted to go by herself. While most families fight over who gets to push the cart, we fought over who had to push it. Being an only child, I’ve never understood the privilege of getting to push the cart as it became such a chore. If anyone wants to come grocery shopping with me and push the cart I will gladly let them. We picked out our frozen pizza, cheese for the burgers, and whatever frozen potatoes were on sale at the time. If we wanted to be extravagant, we got Hamburger Helper too. Of course no trip to the grocery store was complete without ice cream. Chocolate sauce was usually thrown in for extra calories. At check out the employees would offer to help us get our groceries to the car and she would tell the cashier with a laugh that’s what she had me for.

She would try to play tennis with me. She wasn’t a tennis player, but she could at least hit me a ball and let me practice my swing. As we went on she was able to keep the ball in play for a few rallies. (Any tennis player will know that term.) However, we had to leave every time someone showed up to use the other court.

By this time the house had deteriorated and no one came over. I only have a few memories of people even trying to make a visit. One time grandma picked us up for something and asked to use the restroom before we left. Mom told her we had stop at Kmart on our way out of town and she could use it there. Whoever it was that popped over mom was quick to come up with some place we suddenly had to go and they can come with us. I don’t have memory of anyone trying to come over after I got to high school.

Apart from my grandma’s the only person’s house I went to was Lisa’s and when I was there, I was so thrilled to be able to hang out with somebody my age I didn’t care about anything else.  Therefore, at the time to me that was just a normal way of life. I hate referring to myself as brainwashed, but at the time that’s what I was. The thought never occurred to me to report this stuff to somebody, I had no idea there was even somebody to report it to. Grandma would tell me years later that if she had any idea it was like that she would’ve done something. While tensions did rise a little bit about it in the months after my mom died, she understood that I was just a child following the example that was set for me by my parent.

Most Friday’s was pizza and movie night. Anyone from the Midwest will know of Casey’s pizza. Every month there was a new large pizza special for $8.99, washed down with a 32-ounce fountain drink for  $.99. Of course chocolate sundaes had to follow for dessert. 

Before mom started working at the newspaper she worked at small retailer that also rented VHS tapes. Yes, back in the day we had to leave the house to get a movie, we couldn’t just push a button. Some places even charged a fee if you didn’t rewind it before you returned it. Some of you are probably wondering what the heck rewind even means. Since she got free rentals on whatever movies were left at the end of the night I’m sure in the late 80s and early 90s I saw every B movie ever made. Once in a while as I scroll through the movies we’re fortunate to stream today I’ll come across a movie I remember watching with my mom back in the day.

Mom’s finances were not good, as I look back to say not good would probably be a huge understatement. At the time I didn’t have an understanding of life insurance and pensions. To be honest, I don’t know if I realized there was such a thing. I certainly didn’t understand how they worked. Mom’s obsession with money started within the year after we lost Aunt Zoe. I was about 12 when mom made a comment about how Aunt Zoe made it sound like we were getting a lot from her insurance and we didn’t get s#$@. My mom didn’t have the cleanest mouth. I have no idea how much Aunt Zoe’s life insurance and pension was. I don’t even know who she listed as beneficiaries. All I know is mom was not happy with the amount we got. I don’t know what that was either.

Within the next few months two families that we knew lost parents/grandparents and they inherited well, the best way to put it is to say more than we did from Aunt Zoe. Again, I don’t know amounts. One Saturday morning mom came downstairs and said she was praying last night and God told her He wasn’t going to bless other families in the church and not bless us. There was something in our house worth $100,000 and we were going to find it that day. We dug through every bag and box in our house. Trust me when you lived in our house there were bags and boxes to dig through.

We went for walks up and down the street in front of our house confessing by faith that we have our $100,000. Mom said we were standing on the verse that says we have so much money we don’t have room to store it. It would not be for many years before I even came across that verse. It quickly became obvious she didn’t study the scripture, she just took what she liked. She did not bring her tithe into the storehouse and test the Lord first. Mom didn’t pay her tithe. I only remember one brief conversation about it. Simply put, she didn’t tithe because she didn’t have it.

What I find ironic about mom picking that scripture even though she took it out of context is that it’s in the Old Testament. She didn’t like the Old Testament, didn’t like me reading it and didn’t like when the message in church was out of the Old Testament.

Mom’s obsession with money would continue the rest of her life. She played the lottery. On occasion, she would pray over the ticket, ask God to bless it and promise to use the winnings for His glory. She had her own set of numbers that had to do with all of our birthdays, and bought tickets at different locations in hopes that would increase her chance of winning. During one message at church our pastor said something about playing the lottery and you need to pray about it if that’s what you’re doing. She continued playing it.

I knew she played. I had no idea to what extent until we were cleaning out her clothes and found an insane amount of lottery tickets in both her jeans and jacket pockets. We never did find our $100,000.

In the midst of all of this mom quit smoking. She had smoked for as long as I had known her. I never did however I drank soda, primarily Mountain Dew for the same reason smokers smoke. I often joked and said my cigarette came in a green can. She had a pack a day cigarette habit, I had a three can a day Mountain Dew habit.

She got convicted during a deliverance message at church. She didn’t tell me about it until later. Don’t ask me what the difference between that and the lottery message was because I couldn’t tell you. I don’t know what made her more responsive to one message and not the other.

She needed something to keep her hands busy at night. She said during the day at work it was easier because she played with computers all day. If she was still with us I think she would like all this technology better than I do. She had a knack for computers that I don’t. Technology has never been my thing. At night she or perhaps we took up playing the guitar. She bought two guitars from a guy in town. We didn’t take lessons we had teach yourself books. We were no band, neither of us sang so don’t go booking us for your next event, but it was something nice and fun that we did together. It’s been a good 20 years since I’ve even held a guitar, but back in the day I at least knew the basic chords, who knows, maybe I was even able to change them.

After 25 years she put down her cigarettes and quit smoking cold turkey. There was never a day I was prouder of her than I was that day. She was also living proof that if you want to quit badly enough you can. My grandmother quit smoking shortly thereafter.

As I got a little older I started to realize things weren’t quite right. Now, as I look back I realize things really weren’t quite right. I couldn’t begin to list the things I would do differently if I could. However, at the time I was the child following my mom’s example. As far as I was concerned I was just honoring my mom. Now, as I look back I wouldn’t want to change anything because then I wouldn’t have my testimony.

It would take more years than I had my mom for before I understood that she suffered from the very disease I found myself battling years later. Once I understood forgiveness became easier.